incapacitant

nobody is actually going to believe that nothing happened.

called out of work today since I couldn't get my depression under control before one. going to be there literally all day tomorrow.

my parents haven't seen me all day but have yet to say a word.

so bored with everything. beyond the usual drone of life. nothing is making me happy, nothing feels like it will exist dare I turn away from it, nobody seems within reach. Joe's words of "if you don't want to die now you never did in the first place" have never left me but it feels more and more like it's simply not that black or white. this could also be my pleading for something to hold onto.

can't chase her anymore. my legs have been broken for a long time but am just now able to submit to the fact. there is no interest in actually making things better. it would be too simple. it would take effort. even the smallest bit. guess it only makes sense I would be the only one willing. again.

she doesn't either. she won't tell me directly though. everything has to be ok on all accounts no matter the stagnation it causes.

I don't want to live like this but don't know what to do

Isn't that the sort of thing people use this for now?

Post about your problems on a social networking site.

but no there's no backing out.

Well, I guess this has turned back into a place where I can share thoughts without having to worry too much about them coming back and biting me in the ass.

Life still feels extremely slow and plodding. To places completely unknown. Honestly, that can't be too much of a bad thing as it's feeling as though I'm getting bitterly accepting of what will probably happen in a given situation. I don't think I could have worded that any more poorly on purpose.

It's interesting how quickly I feel totally abandoned yet how easily I accept it.

Talking to others helps even less now since I can usually predict the answers that never get me anywhere. Current solution? Just stop talking about how I feel since it's never better. Nobody wants to be around someone as depressed as I can be so don't lead anyone on to realize it. Loved ones seem to reach out every now and then but only to nudge me out of a daze. Seems when it gets right down to it, nobody cares at this point. Everyone has their own stuff going on, more so when school having started back, and even then, can barely help themselves so I'll just keep on looking for answers that don't exist yet by myself.

School is uh... boring. Classes are still just starting but I can already tell I'm going to want to go as little as possible not because of the subject or teachers, but rather because of the students. If there's anything about people I honestly hate 90% of the time it's the fact they think they know things and will constantly fight against those who prove themselves. What makes the middle ground of knowing that you don't know everything so invisible? People are so quick to either claim they know it all or will spend all their time claiming they know nothing and that they're incapable of learning. But, people are mostly shit so I guess it's my fault for expecting even the slightest bit of anything from them.

I wish we were still close. So many mixed thoughts about everything the moment you come into my mind. Communication staring contests are something you really should let me know we're about to have prior to starting. Still though, I can't say I'm not happy to see you making motions toward things that will make you happier than you've been. Even if I can't be here for you like I want to, I can still give you all the love and best wishes I can from here, right?

Just don't wander any further. There are still so many things to show you. Places you promised you'd go with me. Things I have to say to you.

There's not much else that can be said right now.

why do I still have this...

It's getting harder not to feel as though my days are fading back into the old pattern of feeling like carbon copies of each other. Though, at this point, other than the fact my father will barely speak to me since I'm going to fail math (again) things are pretty ok.

I woke up this morning really wanting to fight someone. I'm not sure why but the idea of dislocating someone's shoulder completely was rather pleasant. I had to quell the feeling because it'll do nothing more than bring me bad events. Last time I felt like that and let myself dwell on the thought, I ended up having to run from seven hood rats.

It would be really nice to stop asking myself if school is really worth my time at least twice a day. Deep down I know all these tests, papers on issues I have no concern about, speeches to children who won't listen to anything unless it comes from TMZ, and time & money spent to do all this will at some point or another prove "worth it" in my life. It's not as though I can not go to school anyway. My parents said years and years ago that if I were to not go to college they wouldn't mind but even if they hadn't lied, I'd still be unable to live a comfortable life without that paper I'm paying. This is probably just an issue all college kids go through at one point or another.

Someday I need to get less lazy and learn how to do things like make my own oscillatiors and other such fun stuff. If the doors leading to my playing at the EyeDrum are actually opening like they seem to be, it'll be nice to have a bunch of things to work with prior to performing so I can have more options as to what I may end up doing. I told my father I was possibly in a position where playing live may be an option but his voice was rather dead as he told me "Oh.... ok cool.... what do you want from the store?" One can't expect parents to be that enthralled in tings like this anyway I guess.

Aspects of noise music are begining to make more sense to me. I've developed a lot more respect and admoration for artists like Aube now that I know how he works and structures his songs. Rather than working quickly and drowning the listener in a constant stream of new sounds and textures, he seems to create very complex textures which he lets loop many times as he buids another to introduce when done. This allows the listener the chance to completely analyze the texture before more are introduced which usually compliment others. So, while many who first listen are turned off by his very slow build ups and the methodical pace of his songs, it's clear to me now that Aube leans more toward being very intelligent, thinking man's noise rather than say, Hijokaidan's nihilistic punk rocker, everything all at once noise. Knowing this really helps a lot when going to produce my own music as it helps me to better understand the methods of which to lead the listener along through the song without losing them in a sea of many different textures. Thank you Aube.

Thanks for reading!

I'd always had a sneaking suspicion that you would die early on.

 

In fact, for a while I wanted to be the one to end your pitiful life for you. Those conversations late at night, asking why you didn't just kill yourself to stop ruining the lives of everything around you.

 

After a while, the only answer I could get out of you was in the form of another line of meth off a cottonmouth kings album.

 

You got better. I stopped coming around. Your family still hates me. Too bad they're never in the same place together long enough anymore for me to say anything to them about it.

 

Now you're drinking yourself to death. Why would you try to live the life of the glamorous street urchin who wakes up on a thirty year old morning wondering what happened to their life?

 

Is that voice of a child lost adrift in a sea of anti-psychotics going to be the one I take with me to your funeral?

 

Have a safe journey, “Narnia”

I'm at a school type thing but that ends and I'm in this complex. Industrial. It's night time.

 

Lots of people working on things.

 

My father is in another building and I want to go check to see if he's there so I can get a ride or take the train.

 

On my way there I meet a girl in an elevator.

 

She's kinda short. Light skinned, short hair in small curls, light brown eyes, and a business suit. Really great smile.

 

She starts talking to me in the elevator about how she works for the television station that's in the building and saying that she need to go to Indian creek station for something and then back here and wanted to know if I could come with. While talking she does this weird but extremely erotic stretch against the wall of the elevator. Her leg and thigh is pressed up against the wall. I go to touch her thigh but stop myself. Of course I say sure I'll go.

 

We're walking in the station and I'm asking her questions. I ask her how she got into the TV biz and she tells me it's just where school led her.

 

We get on a train and sit next to each other talking. The train is crowded.

 

We get off that train to get on another and we see the train coming but two very large, almost biker looking men come running out of the tunnel in front of the train. They beat the train there and the girl and I congratulate them.

 

As we get on this train we realize it's pretty packed as well. I want to sit by her but there's no room. After a while, we end up kind of sitting by each other with her leg around mine. I keep accidentally scraping her calf with my shoe though and she gets upset after a while saying I was making her all ashy. I tell her to throw some lotion on it and move on. She laughs and smiles.

 

While getting off the train I go to sneak a picture of her with my phone. She catches me and deletes it saying she'll just send one to my phone.

 

We get to the station and it's sunny out. There are a lot of people at this station. None of the stations looked like the actual stations. We wait for a bus. I ask her where she's from and she writes a symbol on the wall saying she's from Greece and says something I couldn't understand.

 

At that point I realize I hadn't asked her name yet. I go to say “I'm sorry for being so rude but what's your name anyway?” she smile again and opens her mouth – thenI wake up.

So I'm in my room and I overhear a conversation between my parents...

 

“So what did you think of them stopping by?” Michelle said in her usual overly loud voice.

“Well, I'm glad they did but I'm trying to write this email to Angela Davis asking for permission to film her speech at Emory so I'm really trying to concentrate on that...” Gary replied with an especially monotone voice.

“For what?” Michelle asked with the confusion of a child given a stat problem.

 

Now, I personally would have gotten ignorant as fuck.

 

“The fuck you mean 'for what'? It's Angela mofuccen Davis and I just told yo ass I was trying to film her...”

 

But Gary replied calmly with “Well, I just said I was trying to film her for my TV show and I don't want Emory freaking out...”

“Oh, okay... sorry. We'll talk later then.” Michelle said as she turned the volume up on the television.

 

I really need to start watching my tongue...

 

A security guard walked up to us at school earlier and my first response was to say “Oh hey officer, what code did we violate this time?” to which he just sort of looked at me for...

 

It's not as though I even try to be funny or mean with the things I say but I'm starting to think my bluntness will bite me in the ass sometime soon.

So I wake up at 12. With class at 12:30.

Spaz.

I end up getting to school way late and I'm in no way prepared for class so I say fuck it and chill with Larae til my next class.

A while later, I run into someone from my class and they have a very confused and pitiful look on their face. "Dude, where were you? We had the midterm..." 

Spaz.

"It's not that bad, we didn't have the other thing due and it was a sub."

Nobody said SHIT about having the midterm today. I hate this class now.

Now I'm gonna have to write a long letter explaining shit and ask for another chance.

Ended up leaving early from my math class (which was explaining shit I already knew) when I got a text from Sharlee saying she was leaving and offered a ride.

Go to get my food which I left with Larae earlier and it's gone.

Spaz.

"Where did my food go?"
"They threw it away."
"Why!?"
"It looked like trash."
"Not to me! "

Larae, I'm gonna say this too the next time we talk but if you read it here it's just as good, you know you'd be far more upset than I was if someone had just thrown away what you'd spend $5 on. Ergo, it's not really cool or helpful to just act all nonchalant and indifferent about it...

I don't know... maybe I was just expecting more than "shit happens so don't look at me even though I said I'd watch it"
 

Enough of this though, I have way too much shit I need to get done for tomorrow so off to do that.

It's so incredibly difficult.

But I can't stop.

It makes me question every decision I make.

But I can't stop.

I feel like I'm going to throw up at any second.

But I can't stop.

Some days I feel like I'm going to be in the same exact spot years from now.

But I can't stop.

There's nobody I can talk to about this.

But, I simply cannot stop.

There's too much for me to stop now and feel so much worse. I'm not going to end up like the others.

I'll be here. Every day.

Because I can't stop.

I'm not white so I don't apply.

I think I may have sold myself into gay foot fetish prostitution.

More news to come.

I guess it's been a good while since I've submitted anything here.

I'd honestly rather this doesn't end up like my myspace blog where I would post once an eon.

It's not that nothing has been happening in my life that I wouldn't mind talking about. Things like helping Allen and Von reach their street dreams, my growing feelings for Amber, and other random little mummers. I just feel like most of that can be left unsaid for now.

For the sake of wanting to just write something I will go into details on some things.

At this point, I have all the possible digital technology anyone would need to make an album that could go platinum or whatever it is the recording industry gives to artists who swallow, yet this also means I've reached the point as their “sound engineer” (aka I know how to make things sound a little less like they were made in FL8) where they need to start bringing the real talent to the table. I'm not saying they didn't have skills and enough energy about things to last days but, when I'm having to get everything set up only to sit there for ages waiting for them to finish writing verses without any real set direction, it becomes tiresome. Then I get to listen to Von trip over the same parts countless times. It's one thing when you're free styling, but when it's off the paper and you're in a situation that, I feel, should require some minimum level of dedication to time management (especially considering they were talking about having a song finished and uploaded by that night), it helps to try and work things out before you step up to the mic. Allen and Nard got their verses down in one or two shots and were done with it. The whole thing was a big learning experience for everyone so I can't say too much.

Needless to say, we didn't finish recording that night.

Everyone keeps asking me what's going on with Amber, so, I'll take the time to say this. You all already know how I feel about it. These things take time and so I'm trying to be the best person I can by trying (and sometimes, failing) to just let things ride and develop themselves. Surely you've all seen what happens when things are rushed or worse, forced along. Nothing good. It should also be noted that, as hard as it is for me to wait and, trust me, some things about it kill me, I'm learning a lot about myself, my perspectives on things, my habits of approaching situations, and other people around me in the process. This is still very hard though as I do really want things to be stable and all that goodness but if this is how things are going to go then I whole heartedly accept them as such and will value them all the same since it's all worth it in the end. Wherever that end may be.

I feel like my music is getting better every time I go to make something. It may be because I'm always learning new things about the creative process but whatever it is, I feel it's working. I just have to keep recording more and figure out how to get it out there in better ways. Here's looking at you Axem.

Thanks for reading and I hope you the best.

Unless I can get out of this test super early, I'm going to miss boris.

Great.